I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
