No stitches, just platelets and will power
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
