I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
