im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
