I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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