Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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