You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
