Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
