i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
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lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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