Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
