this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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