I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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