I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
the day after is always just damage control
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
