every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i wish my penis had a tongue
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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