i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
