i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
