You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
