you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
