I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is my gift to your gina
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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