Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
