no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
