I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
