This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
