If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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