So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
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pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
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My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.