no, he came in my armpit
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor