The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
