I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
