That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
