My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
