cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
