i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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