she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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