i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
