I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
