i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
