my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize