thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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