so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
