If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
