And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
