I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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