I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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