I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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