friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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