the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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