Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
