How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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