he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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