he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
birth control should be required to get into college
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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