were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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