I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
