my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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