i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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