Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
