you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
