if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
